Friends? What we become without them.

The word "friend" may have meant more to me than others growing up in the Southside of Atlanta Georgia.  A term not taken so lightly yet given those worthy of trust, good intentioned, and above all else, support when needed. Yes, we all have had "fake" friends who lack the previously mentioned qualities of be a friend but they brought something to the table. Scraps of a good time here and there. Sometimes ,though with a motive ,they show what the friendship could look like if said qualities existed with in both individuals.

Besides my brothers, I would say over the years I've called friend.

 Recently I found out that the bonds I felt with others weren't as strong as I thought. Maybe it was the way I thought of what have grown from some, or maybe it was the now realized overspent time given not growing. 

Growth  should be encouraged/ Growth should be constant. If I could do most of my friendships over again knowing full well the ending results negative and positive, I wouldn't change anything. Lessons were learned and I was different every time. Some friends have gone and came back in my life. Others from the years as a child has popped up and reminded me of who I was before the complex nature of life as a black man simply wanting to tell stories.

I've had moments of lust with a few and often those turn out bad. Not a very good quality to have in ,y record but there it is. Trauma often effect people differently with them even realizing  it and I found that it could go as far as believing someone is in love  or as close as knowing when the end of a bond is. Where do we end up at that point. I've trusted so many times and be betrayed as well as been trusted by so many and let too many people down.

I admit that every time one of them left me, i felt apart of me go with them.

My last friend I shared a place to live with couldn't take the constant conflict between us because of factors that weren't an issue before. But as we got older and the world changed around us, we changed as well.  He told me it wan't fun anymore when he revealed he was moving out; Every word cut like a fucking knife.  As if I wasn't who he thought I was, but I was only what he grew along side with. We still saw each other but only on official terms such as working.  A first I was bitter, drug induced and constantly effected by others seeking to use that moment to their own ends. As of today, that same friend  is not that far from being an enemy if not a bitter rival in the workplace.  The irony of how it came to this is that where before I was the constant one blamed for the conflict when we stayed together and he endured so much,  now at the workplace, he uses his high position to constantly get his way over me without admitting it personal.  

There was little to say outside of work after the friendship had apparently ended.  A few times here and there we seen each other at coworker gathering and was granted a small glimpse in to the past versions of ourselves with laughter and induced states of bonding. Yet, we never got back to that level we once were.

A part of me knew we had become toxic for each other. Maybe we always have been. Be We Moved On...

Or at the very least as this is being written, is in the process of moving on to the next parts of our lives.

The other day, I attended  a social event where I saw two estranged friends reconnect after years of not talking. Ironically it was National Best Friends Day.   The event had brought two people together who had been apart for so long that the reunion seemed bitter sweet given it's nature. Maybe we need time apart , real time apart, another job entirely.

It would be hard but I think possible. At least for me.

 As much as I want to move forward as often hard as I said before but lately we stopped talking to each other completely as of this month of August 2024, started a while back what do you got promoted is what I had to explain to our manager. He had wanted to have a meeting for months now but was often put off after he would be on his off days. Yet now we are post meeting the same meeting which neither of us really voiced out what it was that we had the issue it. It was basically a dry snitch contest between two former friends who was redirecting manager time and efforts with Petty intentions of getting together in trouble. It's so strange to me that he was still playing he has no wrong doing to the point where I find it disrespectful. 

For now I'm alone along with my dog zero as I said wondering what my former group of friends are all collectively doing the same group that was so present throughout the previous years and my current address now would not pick up the phone if I called. 

In my opinion what we become without friends is bitter, we have nothing left but to think of the good times that they shared with us and the last time that they intended on never returning. They tell themselves and I assume that they will give it time but what they're really saying is they don't want to come by around me. Of course nobody wants to admit to be the wrong party in the situations but when people choose not to nourish the connections with others they previously used to constantly share a connection with it is not so easily overlooked as much as they would like it to be. 

A long-term friend that I still have gave me advice on just to move on but in my state of loneliness I responded with a more challenging approach. As I see it they should not get off so easy merely being able to go and abandon me without at least knowing how it affects me. I'm not referring to the last friend merely the friends we were both associated with who have also made their way out of my circle and don't seem to really feel any sort of negativity behind a decision made because of their limited views on why things can't go back to the way they were. 

One of them has continuously stood me up with further excuses and unanswered phone calls and text only be upfronted by a guilt trip if I dare say I'm taking it personal..

But when you go from being around a person constantly over the years to suddenly not seeing them after they themselves wanted to set up a meeting to hang out and don't show up. How can one not take it personally?

 I understand that no friendships are perfect. I understand that no one person is going to be the perfect friend for me. But why would I want people in my life who would not care enough to call me once they got in my opinion what they need from me. 

When these people are around it seemed as if they wanted me to do something for them like procure drugs or be the source of their emotional weight while they deal with their issues yet when I am in need of emotional support I don't feel as though I get it from them because I didn't. People can be really selfish I understand that. But when we put ourselves out there to make these connections I often find that expectations not met as actual visual and emotional tools to guide us on if the connection is even worth having. 

Maybe one day I will feel better about how friends have done me and really grow from that. But as it looks now people who have been around me in the past 6 years constantly are merely prepared to move towards another direction and I am left feeling like the stepping stone. I don't expect for them to ever really read any of this on my blog but if they ever do I want them to know that I always did whatever a friend should do in situation and I feel that they did not.

 Yes they have helped me in times where I was injured and driven to the hospital while actual other friends who have been around did not fully understand situations to even have that kind of trip taken. Yes I have crossed the line when it came to gratification with another friend and got jealous when said gratification was not in my favor. Yes I've had anger issues and has last out against someone who really tried to understand my anger issues and live with it. 

But I've always taken accountability for my mistakes something that all three have not they would rather pretend that it is all my fault and I accept that. Friends? What we become without them? Someone who actually knows what happened instead of creating a narrative where he is not accountable. Someone who knows that there are no negative parties or guilty parties when it comes to friendships not lasting there is only The Human experience. And because of that knowledge we become better